Disclaimer: This blog may trigger memories.
I was 5 when you stole my autonomy, treating my body as if it were not my own, but yours.
These are the heartbreaking words of…. me.
If you can relate to my words, you’re not alone.
I wonder what it would be like to have a heart that smiles. I wonder what it feels like for my daughter when I hug her. I wonder what my children think and feel when I tell them I love them.
….because it isn’t fair. It isn’t right. It’s abhorrent that I was withheld my God given gift of a loving parent’s hug or to be told I was loved.
My teenage birth mother left me at an orphanage in a white, delicate basket with a pink bonnet on my tiny head.
I wonder how different my life would have been if I had been raised by my birth mother or perhaps her mother.
You see, my adopted mother and father were unable to bear children of their own. Therefore, they decided to make the day long trip to Detroit to adopt two babies. My brother the first year. Myself the second year.
I lived in the orphanage for an entire year. I was fed and changed upon demand. The caretakers named me Beverly Jane.
I wonder if I would be different if I had my mom’s loving touches and gentle kisses from the very second I arrived in this huge, complicated world.
My adopted mother discovered she was terminally ill shortly after I began my new life with a happy, joyful family. She passed away when I was four years old.
Less than a year later, my adopted father quickly remarried the step-monster with four kids of her own.
My happy home of four quickly became a toxic environment of eight.
The physical, emotional, and sexual abuse began when the adopted father and wicked step-monster were on their week-long honeymoon. I can remember the first time the sexual abuse happened like it was yesterday.
I was in a downstairs bedroom with sky blue carpet and dusty, pale blue walls when one of the stepbrothers forced me to perform oral sex. He entered my body. He broke me. Over and over.
The sexual abuse continued for a number of years.
I wonder how someone could use an innocent child to satisfy his sexual greed.
I wonder what happened in their young lives for him to become so twisted, abusive, and sick! Normal children would not have made the choices he made. What must have happened to him to become so abusive with a young, innocent child had to have happened way before I came onto the picture?
I was a target of his anger, his poor family life, and his sickening environment.
I wonder if the abuse would have concluded if I had an advocate for my safety and wellbeing. I say this because the stepmother quietly tiptoed into the walk-in attic on the third story of the old, white farm house and saw her own son having sex with her much younger step-daughter.
I wonder what she would have said if she stayed. Instead she turned around and walked down the noisy stairway.
I felt like damaged goods.
I felt like a sexual object.
I felt like I must be bad.
I felt dirty.
I felt like I deserved it.
I wonder if my life would have been better coming from a broken home or living my life with a broken heart.
Yes, surrounded by abuse, hate, unhappiness, toxic relationships, damaging and destructive parenting, I wonder why I had no one to turn to.
No one to protect me.
The loss, the pain, the rejection, the abuse, the questions, and the sickening maliciousness of many of those in my life were glaringly obvious.
The adults in my life were unable to give me what I needed. They were not wise enough to do the healing they needed to do before I came into their lives. So they passed on the dysfunction to me.
And although I can’t erase how I were treated in the past, by mentally letting go I became more in control of my own life and less vulnerable of the sick, dysfunctional family in which I lived until the age of 18.
Like so many of us, I was going to change things. I did not want to pass it on to my husband or my children. I would get an education, counseling, marry a better person.
It hasn’t been easy. At times, it’s been exhausting.
I’m not alone. I have God. I have my husband. I have my children. I have a friend or two.
Whenever you’re ready…here are a couple of ways I can help you break free from the pain of sexual abuse and start living NOW!
Join my Bravely Moving Forward Facebook Group and connect with other women who have suffered sexual abuse and want to learn specific tools and skills to transform their lives.
If you’d like to work with privately with me and learn how to finally be free of the past, move on with our life, and want step-by-step support to consistently navigate your life with clarity and ease, schedule your complimentary coaching session here.
Loretta Holmes, MA CMHWC is a Sexual Abuse Recovery & Anxiety Coach. At Bella Anxiety Coaching. Prior to pursuing a career in coaching, Loretta worked as a special education teacher. Today, she combines her skills in teaching, psychology, and coaching to help women break free from their pain. Connect with Loretta at firstname.lastname@example.org