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Top 10 Things I’m Embarrassed To Tell You

I bet you’d be surprised how much we have in common when it comes to the types of things that make us feel embarrassed, ashamed, or stupid, but we wouldn’t know unless we talk about it, right?

Speaking my truth was always something I was really inspired to do based on what I learned from Peter Scott, one of my favorite mentors.

Today’s blog is titled, Ten Things I’m Embarrassed To Tell You. Several years ago a well-known podcaster that I love, Jess Lively, shared an episode with her audience with this type of format. I think she called it Ten Things I’m Afraid To Tell You.

The honest and raw truth from that post really hit a chord with her listeners. I believe that even back then it created a bit of an online honesty movement. I really do believe that’s where some of this began way back then.

It really casts a false light on what’s actually going on behind the scenes. I, for one, don’t want to be looked at as this person that has it all figured out and doesn’t have bad days, doesn’t struggle both in my personal and business life.

That’s so far from the truth that it’s laughable. So I titled this blog – Ten Things I’m Embarrassed To Tell You and I shouldn’t be embarrassed by this stuff. I mean it’s life stuff, it’s the real stuff.

Let’s get to it.

#1 – I’m going to start with the one of the most difficult ones to talk about because it’s so personal. That is sometimes I wonder if Mike and I made the right decision to have two children.

I’ve always wanted three or four children. I got married when I was 19, and I’m still married to the same guy!  We thought we would begin our family after I completed my college career in education. I got pregnant with our first child during the final semester of college and we were thrilled. Unfortunately, our happiness was short lived. I miscarried our baby. The feelings of guilt overflowed with thoughts of “what did I do wrong?” A few months later we tried again. I was over the moon in love with our tiny baby. We made it past the first trimester. It was heart wrenching to lose a child when we were 4 months pregnant. Several months later we tried again. Matthew is now a thriving young adult and we are so proud of him.  Mike and I were ready to have our second child when Matthew was 2 years old. Again, happiness was short lived and I miscarried in the early weeks of our pregnancy. This was not how I planned to have a large family. I was not emotionally strong to try again. I remember sharing with Mike, “Let’s try one more time and if it doesn’t work, it wasn’t meant to be because I can’t deal with the emotional pain of losing another child.”   Several months later, our beautiful daughter arrived and we were beyond thrilled. We are equally proud of Jamie and our son-in-law who rang in 2020 with a new babe!  Yes, I’m a badass grandma!

Time flew by, and we never took the leap to have a third child. About 3 years after the birth of Jamie, sometimes I wonder if Mike and I made the right decision to complete our family with two children – because I felt guilty when there are many families who are unable to have children. On the way home from the doctor, I cried – a lot! But I was crying because it felt so final — so it was an emotional closing to our piece of our life.   We made the right decision, and today it feels fine to me.

2.  I work well under pressure so sometimes I let myself wait to the very last minute to finish something, because I know I’ll get it done, however, this causes tremendous stress AND I’m not so nice in those moments and I hate myself for it.

So, for example, when I’m late getting my slides done for a webinar or a digital course, and a huge launch is looming over my head, I am super snappy with Mike. It’s like he can’t even look at me without me saying something I would regret. It’s the tiny things that set me off because I’m stressed and I’m tired. Mike is a complete champ about it, too, but it’s not fair to him. The reason I’m so embarrassed about this is because I coach people to get stuff done in advance. I’d say 90% of my time I walk the talk, but that other 10% can be NOT fun. Lately, I’ve really been working on not waiting to finish until the last minute.

3. I worry about aging because of my online presence.

I hate talking about this one. I’m 50ish years old…and I see photos of myself when I first started my career, and I look like a baby compared to now. It’s hard to get older on video…especially when all the old photos never go away online!

I wish I subscribed to the “age gracefully” model of thinking, but I don’t. Maybe over time I will, but for now, I am going to fight the battle! So, I pay close attention to my skin. I have skincare produces that I use daily. The ones I swear by, and I know are working for anti-aging. I take this stuff seriously!   🙂

4. I sometimes don’t like to tell you that I’m impatient with technology.

The reason for that, I’m afraid that if you hear I’m impatient you’re going to think less of me.

Then if you think less of me you won’t feel a true connection with me. If you don’t feel a true connection with me you’re not going to want to be a part of my tribe and dive into all the mental health fitness and all the physical fitness stuff that I teach. My fear is that you won’t feel a connection with me.

What I do want to tell you is, since we’re talking about this topic, technology creates the expectation that everything should move more quickly, and if this somehow makes me more productive.

It doesn’t.   Baby steps, my friend.

5.  I wear the same outfit two days in a row when I know I won’t see the same people.

I definitely know when the clothes I’m wearing make me feel secure and confident. Feeling secure and confident, I feel happier. Feeling happy impacts my business life and personal life…and sometimes that comes from wearing the clothes I feel are comfortable. Sometimes I wear the same clothes two days in a row when I know I won’t see the same people because I may like a particular outfit.

Here’s the crazy part. I’d rather eat a bucket of dirt than go shopping for clothes. This has been going on for a few years. But I wanted to be open about that one.

6.  I’m a fierce competitor and want to be at the top of the charts with my cycling races.

I want to win and I really push myself to be on top. The downside of this is I find myself comparing myself to others that are also in the cycling world. That’s not a good thing to do – it slows me down and messes up my mental game.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself “why?” – why do I want to be on top? And if I’m honest, it’s my ego more than anything – and that ain’t good. So, I’m really examining this area of my mindset and remembering what I learned from Oprah in the “Making Oprah” podcast: Put blinders on and RUN YOUR OWN RACE!

7.  Ok, this next one is super personal…Growing up I was always afraid of my dad.

He was strict and stern and expected more out of me that I thought was fair. I tried to love him dearly, but he was hard on me. My childhood experiences put some distance between us as I got older. I still have hard feelings about some of my childhood experiences with my dad and I’ve even gone through therapy to move past it.

But beyond my dad and me – here’s the truth: Sometimes I saw myself being too hard on my children when they were younger. I had to learn to pull back because I never want distance between us and I don’t want to make my children feel the way I did with my dad.

8. I am embarrassed about my weight and I don’t like to do video because of it.

I’m bringing up the weight issue here because ever since I did a speaking engagement on this issue, the feedback has been amazing. It spoke to so many and I’m glad I put aside my embarrassment of talking about it and was honest with a large audience.

As for my weight loss journey, things are going well — slow and steady. I’m making progress and feeling good when I have some solid success, I will share details with you.

9.  When I have a big success (like a huge cycling win) I have this weird tinge of guilt thinking I don’t totally deserve it – or I struggle with thoughts that it will all go away.

I know it’s about  feeling like I’m not enough, and let me tell you, it used to be a whole lot worse, but I’m really working on this one because I hate feeling that way. Recently I had an amazing successful race and that weird guilt feeling came up for me, but I was able to kill the flame quickly by reminding myself I did deserve it and I am worthy of success. Progress, not perfection, right?

10.  We’re in the home stretch. I’m embarrassed to talk about this one because it really shouldn’t be happening. I struggle with letting go.

 We’ve all had to let go of things at some point of another.   Though age and experience should have made it a little easier to let go and move forward as well as allowing myself to heal and look forward with optimism is a little difficult for me to achieve.

I’ve got to give myself grace. So letting go is something I’m very aware of right now. I’m starting to let go just a little bit and then a lot. Baby steps, my friend.

So there you have it, a bit of me baring my soul. I hope it wasn’t as awkward for you as it was for me. I’m guessing not.

The point of this blog was for me to be honest about parts of my personal and business life that you might not know about me yet.

I really want you to get to know me. So when see me out and about in real life, or better yet, when you see me as your coach, you don’t just know the shiny approved side of me. I want you to know all of me. I want to know I am just like you in so many ways.

That’s when I think the true connections happen. I also really hope that maybe something I said today will help you feel not so alone in what you’re going through. Or maybe even encourage you to be more honest and real with your own community.

Can I just say, “Thank you”?

Thank you for allowing me to feel safe enough to even share a blog like this today. I can’t wait to get back to the tips, tricks, and nitty gritty of mental health fitness and physical fitness strategies next week.

Oh my gosh, that is my safe place.

Okay guys, thanks so much for being here.

Loretta Holmes, MA CMHWC is an ADHD & Anxiety Coach At Bella Coaching Services. Prior to pursuing a career in coaching, Loretta worked as a special education teacher. Today, she combines her skills in teaching, psychology, and coaching to help women break free from their pain and self doubt without medication or lengthy coaching so that they can live a purpose life. Connect with Loretta at loretta@bellcoachingservcies.com

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